I woke one morning in this glorious place with a feeling of imbalance. An old wound surfaced and grief walked beside it. Funny how these feelings tend to join up. I journaled my truth from the perspective of my inner teen where the source of the wound was. It left me reflecting and feeling a bit sad for the teen of the past. I felt it was her voice that needed to be expressed. If I could not distinguish between her feelings and mine as an adult, I might want to ring or write to the person I thought wronged me. I am not about to drag up the past to get someone to say sorry when they themselves were quite emotionally immature. The healing begins with me. Dont get me wrong in some situations for your own healing, telling a person that it wasn’t ok to harm you may be vital to your healing path, in this instance, I didnt feel that way. What my inner teenager needed was me. To offer her a space to feel and express. That for me is in my journal. It has been my go to place for years now and the beauty of travel is that you can take your journal with you wherever you go. My journal is my touch point and one of my best therapeutic tools. I never edit my journal or write like I think I should. If I am angry, I let it out and if I want to swear I will. My writing often tells me what state of mind I am in. Flowing and curling, Im in a balanced space, big and messy, often angry and right and then left and back again or rather small in one sentence, quite sad. I rarely if ever look back on what wrote. I might open a journal at any page over the years to see if I am still dealing with the same lesson and reflecting if I have grown from it in some way or not. All in its a great release in all ways. I write letters to people in my mind, I write about inner struggles that try to come to terms with. I also write how grateful I am for my growth and letters from and to my inner child selves when needed. Although my inner three year old is not much into writing hehe.

No matter where you are and how beautiful it is, you cant escape what needs balancing within. You carry your bags with you both physically and emotionally. Each morning I wake up pre dawn here to sit and be with the sea and the sun rising. I actively meditate by going into my sanctuary within and allowing myself to go with whatever my intuition gets pulled towards. Often what I call my inner little selves are asleep on the asian day bed in the orchard near the river with my spirit animals. Sometimes I join them and snuggle in, other times one will raise their head and want to come with me. We might hop into the wooden boat and head over across the waters outside my sanctuary perimeter to the island I created for honouring my parents. There is a cluster of standing stones in the middle of a stone circle, where we put flowers and at times will feel the presence of my parents and connect with them through my third eye heart energy. Or we might wander into the woods within my sanctuary or the mountains or the waterfall and connect with my guides for teachings and reflections I may need to learn from. This can be done in a very short time, the more one practices the easier it gets. Just be mindful to go into sanctuary and come out through the shamans tree, the same way as you go in. It helps to contain the energy of what you have nourished yourself from within.

I notice that when I am feeling sad or troubled my misophonia kicks in quite a lot, so for travel noise cancelling headphones are a must. They help me stay calm until I can fill my inner cup again and give some balance to my upset.

One of the main things that I have learned is to be mindful not to put things off that need attention from within. The habit of being addicted to suffering as a familiar friend is common in all of us. However it just tends to build up more intolerance and stress which leads to overwhelm and avoidance.

We live busy lives and even on holiday or travelling, issues will rise to be met. Its important to meet them, lean into them and give them some space and time. It doesnt take long, honestly and can offer great relief. Start writing in your journal, head into your sanctuary for a top up and free yourself from what weighs you down.

Blessings

Odette

(C) O. Nightsky

The post Travels As A Sensitive 3 appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

I have landed and taken some time to mentally slow down which has been a delightful challenge. Without the stress of having to do and deal with the western world I find it interesting that noise in general disturbs me much less than it would normally. Asia unless out on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere is never fully quiet but waking with the sunrise sets me in a good head space as thats the most hushed and reflective time of day…not counting the Rooster, which to be honest, I love.

The view is everything. To have the ocean in front and the odd fishing boat gliding along the water and little birds doing their morning circles and chirping their calls as the sun comes up, very nourishing indeed.

I had to laugh though hearing someone doing very bad Karaoke for a while in the afternoon, thankfully I was told it was a teenager locally practicing for a band and we all agreed they were terribly off key. I feel and urge to offer singing lessons! Ha!

All in all I am feeling more and more at peace with natural tinges of grief from my elders passing but I just lean into those moments and remember the love they filled me with. I know I am very fortunate beyond the pain that knocks at my heart at different moments. Many cant feel that due to their own dysfunctional parenting which often times puts me in a place of immense gratitude. Remember that the inner kin family that we grow and develop and bring time to is the main soul anchor for wellbeing as parents may disappoint, let us down and will pass on. So we need to strongly establish what true heart family means from within regardless of what we are offered without.

A few things that I felt helped while on the plane to this destination. I bought a stellar cabin disk, which helps balance the EMF’s that the plane puts out and a necklace I wear throughout the electronic radiation check throughs. I also take with me a light weight green linen scarf. I put whatever oil I resonate with at the time in my palm and run it through the scarf with my hands. The oil of choice for the moment is Blue Lotus with a base of Moringa oil. It has a beautiful subtle relaxing scent that I find very comforting. Im not fond of smelling others strong perfume so I am mindful that its a scent that is never too over powering. I put it on a day before I travel and top it up when need be. On the plane I put the scarf over my head and lightly over my face to snooze, as it gives me cover from the light but doesn’t block everything out. The smell holds me within my own energy to feel a little more sacred and private.

Anxiety at airports is inevitable but I do notice that staying very present in the moment and knowing that I can only control what I am able to control within my own circumstances is all I have. I remind myself that I always have choice in how I respond or react.

A good example was my brother was carrying my suitcase to the car and saying how heavy it was. I knew it was much lighter than it was in getting to him before storing some of it, but I didn’t weight it again to double check. I noticed the underlying anxiety about it ticking away subconsciously as I got up in the dark of night to get to the plane. I could have solved it by going through a box at my brothers and finding the scale, but I didn’t. So waiting in line, I felt the anxiety and tension knocking even though I made sure I booked the maximum weight just in case. When I put it on the belt, I was so relived that it was absolutely fine and way under weight. Thanks bro! But it was in my control to check and I didn’t.

I have minimal clothes but I also want my creative tools and things I may need like emergency travel homeopathic kit. First aid needs bug spray, my few sacred objects, diary, computer, kindle etc etc… Now unpacked I think I have chosen well. Will reassess that on the next trip to the north lands of England and Canada as I feel the cold and will need to look at the whole multi layer combo.

I chose to be a traveller more than a tourist and be present in a place for a while. The locals are surprised as most people only stay a week at the most. I am here for two before heading to kin in another city which will be very busy. I could have done it the other way round but I needed this first so I can feel myself on my own for a while and be more reflective and connect within. Do I mind being on my own? Not a bit. As a natural introvert, I am loving it.

Within a few days of being here, I traveled to see a local healer. I feel when you come to a different country it’s good to connect to the culture and sacred customs and pay it forward to the locals and not the big resort corporations. I am big on giving back to the locals of a country where people have little. As a sensitive I find in this way I can more easily align and feel safe energetically.

The healing was very authentic and shamanic in many ways. I definitely felt her pull out and shift some some blocks and copies from my elder that I knew where still there. As a practitioner myself its great to surrender and tune in to shifting energy for my own wellbeing.

I had a beautiful water flower blessing to finish and felt welcomed and refreshed on all levels. Much like being welcomed to country as we say in Australia or the landscape of a place by an elder or medicine person. I am big on giving back to the locals of a country where people have little.

Off to plunge into the big blue soft sea.

Until next time
Blessings
Odette

The post Traveling As A Sensitive 2 appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

I am about to head off to Asia and later in July, UK and Canada. These posts will move with the flow of my travels so they may be short, long, intermittent and or rather chatty, who knows!

After my elders passing. I have had and five months incredibly challenging state of limbo till the house sold and all things were cleared.I knew I needed to chart my own course for a while which also means not being of service to clients or anyone other than myself.

As a sensitive, travelling is always an energetic challenge as my Misophonia (highly sensitive to certain noises) and energetic sensitivity can make things quite tricky at times along with the general anxiety of airports, check ins, getting to places etc. However, I hope in my writings as I travel I might offer some hints or guidance in this regard. If your a regular reader of my posts you know I am all about learning via experience.

Feel free to subscribe to this page which is seperate now on my blog via the ‘Catagories’ option to get updates.

A few things I am prioritising is making sure I am organised in all ways without getting obsessive about it. Im an army brat so I like being organised as its definitely less stressful in the long run. Im one of those travellers who deliberately arrives early and needs to go to the toilet due to anxiety, so plenty of time is important especially as I will be travelling on planes, trains, buses, boats automobiles and the like.

I would like to say I pack like a minimalist but thats a bare faced lie. I always think I need something and often times do. Im often the friend that has something that no-one else brought. Im trying to find a balance haha! Maybe I will learn to improve in time.

One thing I am prioritising is how to make whatever space I am staying in personally sacred to me and my vibration in some way. It might be a hotel room, a cabin on a boat, a guest house, a friends house etc.

So for example this photo is taken in my hotel room just before I fly out at some ungodly hour in the morning. Along with that is my special pillow and a travel blanket a dear friend made for me out of an airline blanket and a piece of Ikat (a type of Indonesian batik) that has a good memory connection with my beloved elder. The other items you see are wrapped and stored into a special pouch that protects them along with a room spray and a bell to clear left over energies from others as my sensitivity is very acute in that regard. You will be hearing quite a bit about that in the posts to come.

I have also thought about being on the plane energetically, but will chat about that next time.

So please join me on my travels as I look and feel through the eyes of a sensitive on a journey of self nourishment, adventure and the challenges that come with it. I know humanity is going through a scary time so its even more important that we curate good safety within on the journeys we take within and without

Blessings
Odette

(c) Odette Nightsky

The post Travels As A Sensitive appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

Dear kin,

This subject is strong for me in these times due to my own personal loss and where the world is at.

When I look at acute sensitivity and strong mental health issues, grief is more often than not so deeply intertwined it’s hard to know where to start from.

In researching mental health and different ways of viewing the named disorders, I have found over and over again that grief is never far behind and more often than not at the core of many of our wounds.

Grief is being experienced deeply and widely at the moment. When we lose our human rights, it’s a deeply felt loss. A loss we grieve and mourn for. Honestly, if I was a woman in Afghanistan right now, grief would be my closest and constant companion. The journey of grief includes all emotions, and yes rage has its rightful place within grief as well.

As I shared in my last post, grief came knocking at my door and already I feel the societal pressure due to me being a counsellor and having ‘the tools’. It’s assumed I should easily rise above it, see the good in it all and move on to being in a happier place.

This doesn’t make the journey, which is what grief is to me, any easier. The collective pressure is heavy. When I hear my mobile ring from someone I know, I can often hear in tone that the voice at the other end has a little expectation in it, hoping that I have bounced back and am fine now. As for most people, the subject is very uncomfortable.

Fortunately, I do have a few close people that understand that my grief is a journey and will take time to ease out and I am immensely grateful to each one of them for that support in just validating where I am at.

Otherwise, as I mentioned, there is an expectation for me with all my skills to be over by now. It’s not far off three months.

I remember my mother when she was alive telling me that when people are in grief they are very busy initially with the funeral and all the legal and paperwork to get moving, and then by the three month mark, they are often emotionally and physically exhausted and thats when the world moves on and everyone forgets. My mother was always the one to call them around the three month mark. She was right. That has been my experience previously and currently. I am very mindful to carry on that 3 month call to others in her name.

Via society, it’s assumed that we should be over it. The three-month mark is when we are ‘meant’ to move on and you’re allowed maybe a year to grieve quietly to yourself. However, depending on the level of grief and what is weaved within it, it can hit extremely hard at the three month mark and for some the 12 month mark as we see the world moving on, couples, families laughing together, and this can lead us to feel even more isolated and incased by our own sense of loss because we are now meant to be over it.

It is important to understand that grief doesn’t always stand alone by itself as a lone walker on the journey. It can come with other elements that make the journey more difficult. Trauma can often block the journey of grief. It halts its progress along the path. The grief then becomes ‘Complex Grief.’ This is referred to as a state in which one has prolonged grief that doesn’t seem to lessen over time. What I see in both my clients and my own personal walk, is that trauma is what makes it complex.

I have met grief before and the heavy hit of it, however, this time it came with a massive dose of PTSD, due to the circumstances of how it happened. The ptsd amped it up to a much higher level of imbalance, and yes, I had a few moments where I was worried about my wellbeing.

Something happens inside me when I become really concerned about myself. It’s as if the inner survivor in me kicks in and says, we have to face whatever this horrible frozen feeling is and get to the other side or we won’t survive.

Believe me, the resistance to doing this was HUGE! I knew that every time my memory travelled back to that traumatic time in a flashback of sorts, I crumbled and felt my child self wail in despair. I knew that if the adult in me wanted to avoid it, so be it, but I sure as heck won’t leave my inner child behind in despair.

Knowing that I was not able to do the work, the healing, the clearing on myself because there was so much resistance, I put my hand up and reached out for help. I have always been very fortunate in finding what I call ‘spiritual surgeons’ in different avenues of healing.

I personally need two things in my therapist. I need them to be expert in their chosen techniques, both via theory and experience, and be able to hold energetic space for me to do what needs to be done.

As my shamanic teacher often said to me. ‘Odette, you can go to the depths of anywhere, as long as you’re contained.’ What that means to me is if I feel safe with the person that I am being guided by, I can face anything. And in this situation it again proved to be true. With good containment, I got to the core of the PTSD, shifted it and it has not returned. When I did shift it, the next few days were a bit of a weep fest as I felt suddenly unplugged, however, the relief that I was no longer frozen along with the tears of grief were very welcome. So if you are not healing from your grief, it may well be due to having other things woven within it.

Other forms of complex grief can occur due to having to be there for a toxic or demented parent or partner who lashes out, or pleads for you to take them home or end their life, or having to step up for someone who did great harm to you or having to be there for a dying child.

This doesn’t make grief an easy ride and it’s a very challenging ride all on its own. This can then spill over into family dynamics where no one sees eye to eye and no one knows how to support each other. And then of course we have murder or suicide and all the unanswered questions that make closure feel impossible. Grief can be an incredibly complex journey for many.

In the western culture, we are in general taught to fear death and everything to do with it, so when it arises, the faster it’s over with the better. It’s often how we are taught to deal with heavy emotions as well.

Looking at the mental health issues that are escalating at a massive rate, we are reacting to a society that has lost its way and putting priority on what can take and consume rather than what we can build and share. The Wetiko is seeking to divide and disconnect. Open any page of the news and you will see it’s doing exactly that.

Personally

Grief tells us that we are now physically divided from the person who died.
Grief tells us we are disconnected from them, their physical presence.

Within the Wetiko (collective mind virus)

We are being forced to divide and take sides
We are being forced to disconnect from others.

Add trauma
We are feeling deeply disconnected and the divide between us and others is a giant chasm.

Feeling highly sensitive can already make us feel divided and disconnected. Grief is natural and we need to honour it within our own stories and take our time along the path in what we are mourning. However, complex grief can block our way and make everything harder.

You may not want to go there, the resistance may well be very ,strong which means there is a strong charge there. Take your time finding the right therapist. They may specialise in REM, or Cellular Trauma healing, or Shamanic Soul retrieval. Find what suits you. I find someone who has some lived experience (see if you can relate to what they have written or spoken on) along with good training can often be the best therapists.

If you can’t do that for whatever reason, reach inside, to your inner sanctuary and spend time cuddling your inner child, validating them regularly and often, and intentionally breathe yourself back through a soft rain from those wounds and merge with what is returned with intention.

I’m still on the grief journey, weaving my way down the road at my own pace, but the path is now free from blockages and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful.

Blessings

Odette

(c) O. Nightsky

The post Grief is not a race. Its a Journey appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

The Boobook owl echoed the end of her long-lived life and the transition of change for me who spent the last nine years making her life as quality-filled as possible by living with her so she could stay in her own home. The owl call still echoes as I slowly pack up the family home, moving through the items that smell like her, the photos that make me wish I had asked more questions and the emptiness of the house without the sound of her heavy feet, the smell of her cigarettes ( A smoker since 11 years old. They make Scots hardy folk!), her sighs, her vibrancy, her little isms, her laughter and her cuddles.

Grief is a strange bedfellow. No matter how many times it comes to visit, every visit has a different flavour. Within this particular rite of passage, I feel the significance of now being an elder myself, as I am now without either parent, an orphan of sorts.

The inner child energy is more in need than ever of loving reassurance as my mortal mother is no more. Those of a spiritual or stoic bent would say ‘She lived a good life and now she is free of pain/ and or in the light/ with her loved ones, be happy for that.’ And in that sense yes I am happy for her, however grief is a very ‘mortal’ experience. It can feel like a gaping hole left behind, a vacuum where that very alive person once was. I’m not one for spiritually bypassing the depth and impact of grief. Like any shadow, I need to sit with it, sit with the uncomfortable, without fighting it, until it naturally transforms.

My first real experience of grief other than an animal who I would weep buckets over, was my best friend. I was in another country when a car she was a passenger in hit the wall of an autobahn in Germany. By the time I returned, the funeral had passed and people had moved through the initial grieving process. I felt quite lost and adrift. She was my first real friend after I had returned to Australia from America as a young adult. She was a dear loving-hearted sister who accepted me completely. I recall not long after returning and feeling the loss, someone saying something glib like, ‘Well you believe in reincarnation, so you know she will be fine, what’s the problem?’ I honestly could have slapped them at that moment. She clearly didn’t understand the impact death makes on one’s mortal heart.

When my father died, I also lost my chance at having a very much-wanted baby. I was rushed to hospital never to meet my dream child. My partner and I couldn’t withstand the pressure we were under with that and other outside events pushing in on us. I was deeply lost in grief and the space my father left felt like a massive chasm that nothing could fill.

My father was my touchstone of trust in the world and that trust had gone along with my child and my partner within the same few months. I recall being in the car as my partner dropped me off at a friend’s place and there wasn’t anywhere on my face or chest that wasn’t dripping wet with tears. To lose a parent, child and a partner….it came close to breaking me and it took a lot of healing and dedication to my self-worth to come back from that.

That was the last really big one till now.

This one has a finality to it unlike the others but in contrast, there is an abundance of love at the same time due to the time spent loving her and caring for her these past years and the close bonding we built through that. There is added to that the insights that grief brings in seeing which people are there for you and those that are just all talk, as well as that odd sense of feeling strangely orphaned.

In the days after the ceremony of her life, when I was again alone in the house, I felt the weight of the grief so strongly it filled my body with such sorrow that I was finding it difficult to breathe. A card she wrote me flew off the bookcase, with not a breeze to help it and the loving words brought me literally to my knees. I felt her worry, her concern for me, and honestly, it was too heavy to bear. I asked her to let go, telling her, ‘If you let go, then it’s easier on me, and I can let go too.’ After that, it was as if the weight lifted off my whole body and psyche and although the natural feelings of grief still come and go, the heaviness that was crushing me has gone.

As I reflect I realise that I will never be an orphan within. She is so deeply part of my heart as is my father, my brother and my child. Alexander Levy’s book The Orphaned Adult has been playing on audible as I pack things up. It helps.

It dawns on me that the years spent parenting my inner child in its different ages have helped prepare me for this journey. I am my inner children’s caretaker the loving compassionate mother energy for my inner child in need. I know when I hold my inner child selves to my heart and breathe them in close to my soul, they are comforted, much like my mother’s hugs were for me (which I have to say were the best of all hugs). Our last hug was in the hallway and we like always stretched out our arms as we moved towards each other to embrace the nourishment we both loved.

My mortal earth-suit self mourns those hugs deeply. I am aware I am a spiritual being residing in an earth suit but I came here, incarnated here on earth to experience being mortal, being human, and I’m feeling all the feelings that come with it.

For me to deny the grief or spiritually bypass it would not be authentic. All the pain I move through garners me more compassion, empathy and understanding for others who walk the path of grief be that the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, a devastating change of some kind etc. It’s a transition that we need to be present for where possible. Especially us in the West who have dehumanised grief into funeral boxes and thoughtful gestures to then move on.

When my elder brother and I spoke about my mother’s death years back, I heard myself say, ‘I will just cry and get on with it. I’m a crier so I imagine that’s how it’s going to be for me.’
And indeed it is so. I can’t compartmentalise very well on the emotional front, I never have but within that, the emotions are not locked away or suppressed. I’m not dissociating from this.

I created an altar of beautiful flowers, candles, mementos and pictures of her in the lounge room. Our Muslim kin from Indonesia are praying for 40 days as is their way, so in my own way, I am joining them as I light the candle each day, burn incense, talk to her and face the reality of never having another hug in this earth suit form.

I came here to be human. It’s bloody uncomfortable being one right now, but as I often say. THESE ARE THE TIMES WE CAME FOR. So regardless of how painful it is, I’m here for it as much as I can be. I am getting massages regularly as I miss touch and I know I need that. Self-care is paramount and it’s nourishing and important especially at these times as are afternoon naps which I haven’t had in years. Kindness to myself is my way through this and being as receptive as I can to people’s offers of care and help, along with knowing that my spirit kin are holding space for me and my inner child energy at all times.

During her last days, I did do some work on making sure my inner child energy was safe and taken care of in the sanctuary by my guardians and also created a place across the river for them to honour my elders and the love we have for them, within a stone circle. I also did some deep work on helping me get through the grief while making all the hard decisions regarding her end of life and all the arrangements to celebrate it. Which on reflection, helped a great deal.

As the festive season draws, I will have strong feelings as it will be the end of an era in this house that has been my parent’s home since the early 70’s, but it will also be filled with laughter.

We of the Celtic bloodline pride ourselves on what’s called Gallows humour. We find laughter in the darkest of times. My brother and I along with my nephew love deep conversations amidst daft ones and you never know I might actually get them to play Cluedo with me finally! We have no desire to be hugely social this festive season so just being with each other will suit us well.

I will miss my mother dearly and at the same time I am also filled with the love I have for her and I know she has for me beyond this mortal coil. I think of those who feel as if grief stalks them years after a loved one has died and I have some understanding of that. My father’s death was very hard to get passed as it was woven with the loss of my child. What I feel stagnated me in grief was my own personal regrets, my wishes to be closer, if only I had etc….. whereas with my mother although there was trauma and shock for me in how her walking to death happened, I know in my heart there was none of the previous longing or regret.

So if I could offer anything to those still holding the pain, the kind of pain that is blocking you moving forward, remember that your inner child holds those deep feelings, they are the ones holding onto the what ifs, the regrets, the guilt and even the justifiable anger and rage.

They are the ones to pick up within your sanctuary. Let them know as a loving caretaker that they didn’t do anything wrong, everything they feel is accepted by you, and that they are loved and worthy of love, especially by you. Even if you do it only a few minutes at a time. Give it a try, and ask them what they need, it might just help to fill and soothe that gaping hole of loneliness.

Next year will be much more transient for me. I will be putting out some session offerings to new clients in blocks of Two Sessions or Three Sessions see below (I will repost it just before the new year on my FB page) and being of service to my regular clients who request it. And then I will be travelling. I may well be available for workshops and one-off sessions in person depending on where I am.

I will be looking to return to full-time work towards the end of 2025

unless the universe has other plans.

I just want to say how much I appreciate all your kind messages. I am allowing this month to be as it is with the grief waves that come and go and then in January, I look forward to being more of service until I spread my wings and travel for a while. My FB page will recommence in the new year.

Solstice and Chrismukkah blessings to all
May we create connection and kindness in all that we do.

Love
Odette

The post We heard the owl call her name appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

This is not the time to be messing about with Oiji boards if you don’t know what you are doing!

Voice Within A Between Worlds Novel

Is a great read leading up to the thinning of the veils!

Be warned, it’s not a light chirpy, happy story, but sure as heck you will be barracking for the main character to find her way through all that she is up against.

Looking for a good witch story?
You have found it!
Looking for a story about a Heroine who defies being categorised as mad?
You have found it!
Looking for a different way to understand the cause of some mental illnesses?
You have found it!
Looking to get your blood boiling regarding the treatment of Witches?

You have found it!

Looking for a book with a satisfying ending?

You have found it!

Check out what others have said

NOW AVAILABLE THROUGH MY WEBSITE AND ON AMAZON IN ALL FORMATS

Blessings Odette

The post A GREAT READ FOR ALL HALLOWS appeared first on CONTEMPORARY SHAMAN.

I have done a great deal of healing with my inner child. I have reclaimed her essence via soul retrieval and have worked on building my inner relationship with her. However, there came a day when it wasn’t my inner child calling out for attention but my inner teen and the shock of it threw me for a loop.

On reflection of course it makes total sense. I had been delving into healing pre-age seven and a few years over, for quite a while. Reclaiming the lost fragments and restoring the safety of my inner child to my inner sanctuary. What I didn’t realise was that my inner teen was desperately needing my attention as well but I was not listening.

My teenage years were very difficult and that’s an understatement. My right kidney was near to failing at around 13 years, I spent quite some time in and out of hospitals. The worst thing for me about that time was that I did not develop as other teenagers did. My body stayed childlike. This attracted a lot of scapegoating, bullying and mockery. As an army brat (what we army kids called ourselves) I moved around a lot between Asia and Australia. I was happy in Asia at International Schools as there was no bullying at all. I know hard to believe but it’s true. However in Australia, in both public and private schools including boarding schools, it was a living hell. In the private boarding schools (I was not forced to go but that’s another story) I was tormented in the showers daily, shamed and humiliated regularly and framed for stealing.

In the public school system, I was verbally abused, humiliated, set up, mocked, and ostracised. All of this was orchestrated by girls. I attended co-ed schools mostly other than one of the boarding schools. As a girl with two older brothers, I had no desire for a sister due to this. I kept all the bullying to myself. Never told my parents or brothers believing they couldn’t help or would just make things worse.

My inner teen felt deeply ugly and deeply unwanted. I was lucky to call my parents and my brothers my safe place. For many, it was the other way around, as for them the abuse was within their family. I’m still very grateful that opening the front door to our house meant that the abuse was over for another day.

How I experienced my inner teenager demanding that I finally listen to her, occurred much later in my life. PTSD has a way of kicking in at very unexpected times. Mine rose in just that same way.

I was attending an Abba-themed musical performance with my mother after returning to one of the places where I was badly bullied. The venue was an old theatre where I used to perform as a teen ( Acting saved me during these dark times as I was a natural at the craft and took to it with ease. The theatre has often been a place of rescue for those who don’t fit in. It was also mine)

Coming towards the end of the show they performed the song ‘Chiquitita’ and within a few moments of the lyrics kicking in my body began to tremble in reaction. Now looking at the lyrics I understand why. Below is just a bit, but it gives you an idea.

Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong
You’re enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes, there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet

The next song was the final song and everyone was up dancing in front of their seats while I was struggling to conceal a full bore panic attack. I was trying to copy what everyone else was doing but what I was unable to control was the amount of tears flooding down my face. My sleeves were sodden with trying to desperately to wipe them away. I was getting flashbacks and seeing my young teen self terrified behind the stage side curtain. Feeling her desperate need to escape the bullies along with hiding her authentic self behind the characters she played.

My heart was racing in experiencing this while feeling very spacey and out of body (disassociated/fragmented). I could only just breathe. As the song came to an end I quickly wiped more tears and turning to my mother and keeping my head low I told her I had to rush to the toilet and would meet her near the car. I flew down the theatre stairs and outside to the car. Gulping breaths like my life depended on it. I needed space. My mind was spinning too fast.

When my mother arrived with the keys shortly after, I jumped in the passenger seat, put my head between my knees and a wail of agony burst forth from my mouth. My mother of course had no idea and not being the best with anything emotionally sensitive she put her hand on my back and said ‘What’s wrong? You’re normally so sane!’ For some reason that made me laugh hard at the irony of it all.

Why would I be sane after the hell I was put through in school? This was my inner teenager screaming at me to be acknowledged, seen, validated and reclaimed from that time.

Once back at the house my mother drove off and left me alone for a while to get some food at my request. For some reason, hot potato chips have always been my comfort go-to in rough times and I have always needed space when very upset otherwise I feel energetically suffocated.

I screamed hard into my bed pillow several times and then sat on the floor of the running hot shower bawling my eyes out, letting myself feel all the pain and the grief that came with those years. After that purge, I ate all the hot chips, took rescue remedy, felt quite numb, and performed for my mother as I always did saying it was a bit of a flashback but I had a handle on it, and went to bed early with no dreams.

What I did the next day made all the difference. I am always better in the morning. It’s when what I can’t work out at night becomes clear. I went out and bought myself or should I say my inner teen, a diary. I let her choose it. It was full of stars and sparkles. I wrote from her point of view and let her write absolutely anything she wanted, anything. I let rage, hate and any upset be validated and even followed her desire to symbolically chop some of the horrible girls’ heads off in a drawing. I did not judge any of it in any way. I let her have a full reign of feelings and validated them all. Validation. Not advice. Is so damn important.

Then I journeyed within and went and reclaimed the essence of her from behind the curtain in the theatre, bringing her into the light of my sanctuary to be seen, validated, merged with and truly loved by the person that knew and knows her like no other. Me.

That has been the biggest reclaimed fragment of my teen years to date. All other fragments I reclaim just add to her blossoming self.

She is quite different to my younger inner child who is always full of joy and eager for a cuddle. My teen in contrast needs more space, thinks deeply, likes quiet spaces, sits with me as we dangle our feet in the river and loves to hang out in the woods area of my sanctuary. That is her favourite place to dwell. She does come out to the more open area of the sanctuary to snuggle with my younger inner child energies, the spirit animals and my loving male caretaker spirit kin but more often than not, I find her in a beautiful sunny glade within the woods surrounded by wildflowers and lush green grass. My deer kin can often be found with her.

Remember that your inner teen needs as much validation and reclaiming as your inner child does as the teen years can be where a lot of trauma is buried within the subconscious.

It may be as simple as a cuddle, your presence and or validation or to create something they might like within the sanctuary. Just be receptive and open to their needs. Above all. Validate.

Inner child work is one of the bedrocks of my medicine path. I do it with a shamanic flavour as I do most things. If you would like further guidance, come and find me at my website. I would be more than happy to be your guide for reclaiming.

Blessings and hugs to your inner selves.
Odette

(c) O. Nightsky 2024 (excerpt from ‘Wyrd’ A work in progress )

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If you are from my era, you may have seen the film Marathon Man, which this quote is from. It’s a question for today’s times, as safety is something we feel less and less of as the discord and dualism increase into chaos.

The world is now primarily run by corporations, the unconscious rich are akin to the gluttonous patricians of Rome. And the rest? Surviving and struggling at best and sure as heck don’t feel safe in this current era. Nothing is certain.

I know I cannot rely on the safety of the outside world. I can however trust that the path I am on and what I do from within may be a way for me to stay safe, but there is no guarantee of that no matter what my circumstances.

My aim is, and has always been, to build safety from within. To form a long-lasting deeper connection within my inner core that is aligned with my soul. A connection I can rely on in the worst of times. My inner sanctuary, created initially via my imagination, transformed into a deep resource within my subconscious where I can turn inward to a place that fills me with a sense of tangible spiritual safety.

This is why as I have mentioned before, it’s one of the first questions I ask my clients ‘Do you feel safe?’ They tell me how they feel safe outside of themselves and then I ask again. ‘What about within yourself? Do you feel safe within you?’ The answer is inevitably the same. ‘No.’

That’s what happens when we have been traumatised in some way. We split off/fragment to save ourselves however at the same time we also unconsciously abandon ourselves.

When we build safety within via Sanctuary, Animal Medicine, Soul Retrieval, energetic clearing etc, we are able to connect and align with our core more deeply and …..feel safe.

I have been asked recently to speak at a woman’s group in prison and this subject is so relevant to that situation. You are in a situation where you are trapped in a certain environment due to your actions right or wrong, innocent or guilty. You are limited by the rules that the institution has. However, you ‘can’ begin to change the narrative from within.

I also recently read a fascinating book by detective reporter Nellie Bly called “10 Days in a Madhouse”. Not a read for the very sensitive as it can be very triggering but other than the sheer cruelty by the female nurses I kept thinking, if only they could go within to somewhere beyond that wasn’t madness. Somewhere safe. Many of them were not mad in any way but many became so due to such inhumane treatment as a way out.

I want us in this era to have another option.

When I was very unwell, my primary terror was a fear of being invaded. In hindsight I can see that I was an empty vessel, with a weakened core and hungry for acknowledgement outside myself and on an unconscious level due to my wounding, I made room for it all.

Today there is no room. My safe core has warmly and lovingly taken that space up.

Things still come at me as I will always be sensitive by nature, but they never get that far in any more. There is a mutable solidity at my core. I liken it to the position of Wu We, where your feet are flat on the ground, knees slightly bent and you can’t be thrown off centre.

I’m not sitting on a Guru throne or anything, I am like us all, a work in progress. I still have issues and challenges like any other, however by knowing how to work within the multidimensional landscape by caretaking, retrieving, negotiating and clearing tools, I can sort what comes at me so much faster and more efficiently which makes me able to be here amidst the chaos of this era and still be of service with my feet on the ground. Either that or an earthing mat (which I can highly recommend)

The more I see how chaotic things are getting in the world the more I am grateful for what I have built within. It’s not a world that disconnects me from this one. It’s an inner world where I can feel seen, heard, loved, connected with which makes it actually a lot easier to be here. An inner retreat space of my own where my vibration is naturally lifted. These are the times that I chose to come for. It wasn’t a mistake. I didn’t get dragged into something I didn’t want. I said, yeah this looks hard as, but if I can spread these seeds of inner safety for people to grow their own safe inner spaces, then it will be worth it.

Tips on creating a sanctuary

Call in all guardians and guides for support.
Make sure you go through and ‘down’ the Shamans’ tree or cave if that is your preference.
Always return the same way.
Use gentle circular breathing to help you move deeper into your subconscious (lower world)
You are the caretaker. If something doesn’t feel right, ask for help from your guides and or transform it with your imagination, intention and breath.
Use the elements of earth, air, fire and water to bring more life into your sanctuary or to cleanse it.

Build your inner safety, as it will be your touchstone during these times of chaos.

Blessings
Odette
(C) O. Nightsky 2024)

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We all experience resistance in some way. I’m not talking about the resistance of saying no to harm another being or setting good boundaries so that you are safe…. this is more about inner resistance to certain feelings arising.

Even a monk who is well-practised in meditation will experience arising states of resistance in their practice. As the Dalai Lama often says, ‘It’s not the feeling that’s the issue, it’s what we do with it that matters.’

The action we take after noticing it has arisen.

Strong resistance in my experience motions my body to shut down, shut in, close up, back away, fight off or freeze and most importantly, block the natural flow of chi (life force).

If resistance becomes a primary state of being, it can manifest into a state of physical, mental and psychic stagnation.

Depression (not the clinical kind) is a common outcome of this stagnation but it also shows up in PTSD and other states of emotional, mental and psychic imbalance.

Resistance predominantly arises in reaction to things that are uncomfortable to face or process.

Take a moment and reflect on what feelings you resist the most.

For me, looking back on my own story, I had a great deal of resistance in expressing my anger or even being ok with feeling it. I was not brought up to see anger as a natural emotion and being born a woman even more so.

My parents were from an era in which survival was a priority and emotions took a back seat to that.
As both my parents were trained in the military model and were themselves children during WWII, dealing with feelings was done by either ignoring them or suppressing them. I was under the impression that they were experts and compartmentalising. They weren’t but that’s how it appeared to me and it was something I felt I wasn’t able to do. However, as that was my learning model, I resisted showing any anger and when I did on the odd occasion let it out in pent-up reaction, I was either mocked, shut down or shamed. So I built up this inner resistance. I didn’t process it, or let it out. I shut it in and turned the lock.

I buried it as far down into my subconscious as I could and due to that it leaked out into a passive-aggressive ice queen of resentment. No, not the beautiful ones in fantasies and movies. Mine was ugly, mean and brittle to the core.

I would pull away into my ice fortress to protect myself rather than confront the situation. I imagined if I let my anger out, people wouldn’t like me, mock me or shame me, just like when I was a child, so the message I got was my anger is not welcome by others and alongside that came the belief that there is something wrong with me.

In time this suppression manifested into a lump in my breast which gave me a major wake-up call to begin to look at what I was suppressing that was now manifesting in my body.

What I found was that I was good at nurturing and loving all the people-pleaser parts of me, but the rest, what wasn’t in my view acceptable, was shoved deep down. My self-love was conditional and my anger was the enemy.

I realised my body was trying to tell me something I couldn’t hear any other way. I committed to prioritising my emotions unconditionally. Which meant that whatever I felt I was determined to befriend in some way.

After a while, the lump in its own time with no medical intervention, was no more. (This is not advocating for not getting medical attention. I did get it initially and the result was not completely conclusive so I chose no intervention but if it wasn’t shifting I would have looked into further treatment) Our bodies, our choices. My body has always responded incredibly well to Chinese medicine and that’s the main path I took along a few other safe modalities.

This began my conscious journey to see where I created resistance and for what reason. I took gentle steps. I was still frightened of confrontation but I chose to stop ignoring the anger and to do something with it.

I committed to melting the fortress as I could see that the anger was calcifying into resentment and if I didn’t befriend it, I may well end up with more cells turning into cancer. I needed to move the energy of my anger in some way and not let it fester.

Its been a journey of learning to process my anger with consciousness tools from my ever-expanding therapeutic medicine bag. And oh my goodness, it’s so much easier to move through, befriend, and release it compared to back then. I stopped resisting it as if it were an enemy. I befriended it, got to know its true intention (to protect me) and validated it so I could see what was needed to bring balance.

Am all fine with confrontation now? I still don’t like it, but the ice fortress is no more and I can hold my own space for it if need be. I allow myself to feel and move through all my feelings including resistance, nurture my inner child and face what I need to rather than avoid it.

On reflection of the most difficult confrontations I have had since that awakening, I have repeatedly had this quiet phrase arise from within me, about the same time the old flight reaction to flee pops into my head.

“Be the Buddha”

What this means to me is: Stay calm, stay present in your body, and be compassionate both to yourself and the other.

The result always comes out positive for both sides.

We can also be resistant to the good stuff, like healthy love, and success. There can be great resistance to receiving kindness, love, things being done for you, people wanting to praise you etc

So there again is an opportunity to see resistance as a signpost. For example, it might be something like feeling resistant to love because maybe you felt your heart’s energy was sore from the last experience. I know that one quite well. What I discovered was, that for me it wasn’t the fear of letting another in, it was more the fear of losing myself to the experience. So that’s what I worked on, to solidify my inner loving as a priority so any love that does come is a compliment to my already abundant state of being.

There are great tools, be they shamanic or otherwise to help you learn how to receive without resistance. A simple one is tapping for trust or a flower remedy like Willow perhaps to melt resentment so you can allow yourself to be more open to receiving love.

I know I say this a lot, and I will keep saying it because it is so very important. When we befriend something that we are ‘resisting’ be that a horrible feeling, what you think is an entity messing with you or a negative thought form, the first thing we need to do to bring it up to our conscious awareness to be able to process it and befriend it with compassion.

Befriending doesn’t mean that you let it be your master/authority etc. It means you sit down and have a cuppa with it and compassionately inquire its reason for being.

Resistance is a great signpost. Notice it, acknowledge it, and then see what it’s blocking that could do with being brought into the light so you can bring movement to it via compassionate inquiry, conscious commitment and some good medicine tools.

Blessings
Odette
(C) O. Nightsky 2024

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Blessings

Odette

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