Its call came in the dark of night when many chose to cross over.

The Boobook owl echoed the end of her long-lived life and the transition of change for me who spent the last nine years making her life as quality-filled as possible by living with her so she could stay in her own home. The owl call still echoes as I slowly pack up the family home, moving through the items that smell like her, the photos that make me wish I had asked more questions and the emptiness of the house without the sound of her heavy feet, the smell of her cigarettes ( A smoker since 11 years old. They make Scots hardy folk!), her sighs, her vibrancy, her little isms, her laughter and her cuddles.

Grief is a strange bedfellow. No matter how many times it comes to visit, every visit has a different flavour. Within this particular rite of passage, I feel the significance of now being an elder myself, as I am now without either parent, an orphan of sorts.

The inner child energy is more in need than ever of loving reassurance as my mortal mother is no more. Those of a spiritual or stoic bent would say ‘She lived a good life and now she is free of pain/ and or in the light/ with her loved ones, be happy for that.’ And in that sense yes I am happy for her, however grief is a very ‘mortal’ experience. It can feel like a gaping hole left behind, a vacuum where that very alive person once was. I’m not one for spiritually bypassing the depth and impact of grief. Like any shadow, I need to sit with it, sit with the uncomfortable, without fighting it, until it naturally transforms.

My first real experience of grief other than an animal who I would weep buckets over, was my best friend. I was in another country when a car she was a passenger in hit the wall of an autobahn in Germany. By the time I returned, the funeral had passed and people had moved through the initial grieving process. I felt quite lost and adrift. She was my first real friend after I had returned to Australia from America as a young adult. She was a dear loving-hearted sister who accepted me completely. I recall not long after returning and feeling the loss, someone saying something glib like, ‘Well you believe in reincarnation, so you know she will be fine, what’s the problem?’ I honestly could have slapped them at that moment. She clearly didn’t understand the impact death makes on one’s mortal heart.

When my father died, I also lost my chance at having a very much-wanted baby. I was rushed to hospital never to meet my dream child. My partner and I couldn’t withstand the pressure we were under with that and other outside events pushing in on us. I was deeply lost in grief and the space my father left felt like a massive chasm that nothing could fill.

My father was my touchstone of trust in the world and that trust had gone along with my child and my partner within the same few months. I recall being in the car as my partner dropped me off at a friend’s place and there wasn’t anywhere on my face or chest that wasn’t dripping wet with tears. To lose a parent, child and a partner….it came close to breaking me and it took a lot of healing and dedication to my self-worth to come back from that.

That was the last really big one till now.

This one has a finality to it unlike the others but in contrast, there is an abundance of love at the same time due to the time spent loving her and caring for her these past years and the close bonding we built through that. There is added to that the insights that grief brings in seeing which people are there for you and those that are just all talk, as well as that odd sense of feeling strangely orphaned.

In the days after the ceremony of her life, when I was again alone in the house, I felt the weight of the grief so strongly it filled my body with such sorrow that I was finding it difficult to breathe. A card she wrote me flew off the bookcase, with not a breeze to help it and the loving words brought me literally to my knees. I felt her worry, her concern for me, and honestly, it was too heavy to bear. I asked her to let go, telling her, ‘If you let go, then it’s easier on me, and I can let go too.’ After that, it was as if the weight lifted off my whole body and psyche and although the natural feelings of grief still come and go, the heaviness that was crushing me has gone.

As I reflect I realise that I will never be an orphan within. She is so deeply part of my heart as is my father, my brother and my child. Alexander Levy’s book The Orphaned Adult has been playing on audible as I pack things up. It helps.

It dawns on me that the years spent parenting my inner child in its different ages have helped prepare me for this journey. I am my inner children’s caretaker the loving compassionate mother energy for my inner child in need. I know when I hold my inner child selves to my heart and breathe them in close to my soul, they are comforted, much like my mother’s hugs were for me (which I have to say were the best of all hugs). Our last hug was in the hallway and we like always stretched out our arms as we moved towards each other to embrace the nourishment we both loved.

My mortal earth-suit self mourns those hugs deeply. I am aware I am a spiritual being residing in an earth suit but I came here, incarnated here on earth to experience being mortal, being human, and I’m feeling all the feelings that come with it.

For me to deny the grief or spiritually bypass it would not be authentic. All the pain I move through garners me more compassion, empathy and understanding for others who walk the path of grief be that the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, a devastating change of some kind etc. It’s a transition that we need to be present for where possible. Especially us in the West who have dehumanised grief into funeral boxes and thoughtful gestures to then move on.

When my elder brother and I spoke about my mother’s death years back, I heard myself say, ‘I will just cry and get on with it. I’m a crier so I imagine that’s how it’s going to be for me.’
And indeed it is so. I can’t compartmentalise very well on the emotional front, I never have but within that, the emotions are not locked away or suppressed. I’m not dissociating from this.

I created an altar of beautiful flowers, candles, mementos and pictures of her in the lounge room. Our Muslim kin from Indonesia are praying for 40 days as is their way, so in my own way, I am joining them as I light the candle each day, burn incense, talk to her and face the reality of never having another hug in this earth suit form.

I came here to be human. It’s bloody uncomfortable being one right now, but as I often say. THESE ARE THE TIMES WE CAME FOR. So regardless of how painful it is, I’m here for it as much as I can be. I am getting massages regularly as I miss touch and I know I need that. Self-care is paramount and it’s nourishing and important especially at these times as are afternoon naps which I haven’t had in years. Kindness to myself is my way through this and being as receptive as I can to people’s offers of care and help, along with knowing that my spirit kin are holding space for me and my inner child energy at all times.

During her last days, I did do some work on making sure my inner child energy was safe and taken care of in the sanctuary by my guardians and also created a place across the river for them to honour my elders and the love we have for them, within a stone circle. I also did some deep work on helping me get through the grief while making all the hard decisions regarding her end of life and all the arrangements to celebrate it. Which on reflection, helped a great deal.

As the festive season draws, I will have strong feelings as it will be the end of an era in this house that has been my parent’s home since the early 70’s, but it will also be filled with laughter.

We of the Celtic bloodline pride ourselves on what’s called Gallows humour. We find laughter in the darkest of times. My brother and I along with my nephew love deep conversations amidst daft ones and you never know I might actually get them to play Cluedo with me finally! We have no desire to be hugely social this festive season so just being with each other will suit us well.

I will miss my mother dearly and at the same time I am also filled with the love I have for her and I know she has for me beyond this mortal coil. I think of those who feel as if grief stalks them years after a loved one has died and I have some understanding of that. My father’s death was very hard to get passed as it was woven with the loss of my child. What I feel stagnated me in grief was my own personal regrets, my wishes to be closer, if only I had etc….. whereas with my mother although there was trauma and shock for me in how her walking to death happened, I know in my heart there was none of the previous longing or regret.

So if I could offer anything to those still holding the pain, the kind of pain that is blocking you moving forward, remember that your inner child holds those deep feelings, they are the ones holding onto the what ifs, the regrets, the guilt and even the justifiable anger and rage.

They are the ones to pick up within your sanctuary. Let them know as a loving caretaker that they didn’t do anything wrong, everything they feel is accepted by you, and that they are loved and worthy of love, especially by you. Even if you do it only a few minutes at a time. Give it a try, and ask them what they need, it might just help to fill and soothe that gaping hole of loneliness.

Next year will be much more transient for me. I will be putting out some session offerings to new clients in blocks of Two Sessions or Three Sessions see below (I will repost it just before the new year on my FB page) and being of service to my regular clients who request it. And then I will be travelling. I may well be available for workshops and one-off sessions in person depending on where I am.

I will be looking to return to full-time work towards the end of 2025

unless the universe has other plans.

I just want to say how much I appreciate all your kind messages. I am allowing this month to be as it is with the grief waves that come and go and then in January, I look forward to being more of service until I spread my wings and travel for a while. My FB page will recommence in the new year.

Solstice and Chrismukkah blessings to all
May we create connection and kindness in all that we do.

Love
Odette